There are some descriptions of a godly woman and instructions to us that seem to be so easy at first. The "easy" ones are different for each woman and yet none of them are easy all the time for everyone. Being kind, sensible, lovely, pure, not a gossip, etc, all sound easy but they do still take an effort to live out in our lives.
Proverbs 31:11 says, "The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain." This was one of those verses that I had always skipped over -gladly thinking that I had at least one thing down. My husband can trust in me for sure. He knows I will never intentionally betry his trust and that he can talk with me about anything.
Or so I thought.
I started thinking more deeply on the first part of this verse. What exactly does it mean for the heart of my husband to trust in me? I love another version which says he can "safely" trust as it speaks even more about the deep level of trust it descibes. But still, how does that look lived out in my life?
While its true that he knows he can talk with me about things, I recently realized he wasnt able to talk with me about everything. And even worse, one of the areas where he felt couldnt "trust" me was one area where we both needed trust -being able to discuss my own attitudes, actions and struggles -my faults. When I need correction, he needs to safely trust that I will be open to him and willing to listen without snapping back. He needs to know that he can ask me to do something, not do something or do something different and that I will be able to discuss it respectfully. I had always thought I was good at receiving correction. In reality, I have been good at accepting it from other godly women and have even sought that out. But when it came to my own husband, I was not so open. Not so willing to have my own faults pointed out by the one person who knows me better than anyone else.
Its not easy. Not for me to receive and hear it but I think it is even harder for him to approach it. The house is my "domain" and when he walks in the door, I have the greatest influence over what atmosphere he will encounter and he knows that. If he wants to live in a peaceful home, he will avoid "upsetting me" in order to have that.
He also opens himself up to criticism. How many times have you been corrected by your husband and all you could think about was all the things he does wrong. Do you reign your tongue or start pointing out all his faults instead? Is he afraid to say something for fear that his own faults will be shoved in his face yet again?
Not only does my husband need to know that he can talk with me about his own faults and struggles, he needs to trust that he can come to me about mine. Safely trust in me.
What does "trust" and "safe" mean anyway? Here are some synonyms for both:
Trust: confidence, dependence, belief, reliable, faith
Safe: not dangerous, dependable, trustworthy, harmless, secure, protected, supported
Wow. I want him to feel that way. Do I convey a place for "safe trust"?
As I thought more about this, I realized that there are so many other ways where my husband says or does things that convey his heart either trusting in me or not.
When he brings me flowers, do I realize how much thought it took for him to do so and thank him appropriately? It isnt the flowers as much as it the fact that he took the time and effort (yes, for men that is an effort) to think of some tangible way for him to show his love for me. Do I appreciate that and then tell him? I'm sad to say that I let the busy-ness of our morning delay my thanking him for birthday flowers. A simple minute-long phone call would have shown him the gratitude I felt but, I delayed. By doing nothing, I showed an unthankful heart instead.
Does the heart of my husband safely trust in me? I want him to trust me in every way. The same way I trust him. I want him to feel safe in confiding in me but also in approaching me when I need to have my own faults addressed.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:12 has been a verse of focus for me lately. Well, that and 28b-29 which says, "Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: "Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all."" I want that to be said of me.
We have been walking through a hard season in our lives. Not long but hard. The specifics dont matter because in time, the challenge will be different but there will still be one. It is impossible to take two independant human beings and meld them together and not expect friction. But how we walk through these seasons and what we learn from them is what matters.
One of the things I have been learning (and trying to practice) is how to do "{my husband} good and not evil". What does that look like?
My first thought was, "Of course I dont do him evil!" but then the thought hit me that if I am not doing him good, arent I really then doing him evil instead? Granted, there is a middle-ground here where you can do nothing but the truth is, I want to do my husband good every chance I get.
So, I tried thinking of scenarios during our days that I get to choose good or evil. It didnt take me long. In fact, an easy example came to mind of when we were together Friday night with friends having pizza and watching the Olympic opening ceremony. There were comments (jokes) spattered throughout the evening about things their spouses did or do. Several times I could think of things that my own husband does that would have gone right along with the conversation and probably elicited a few laughs along the way. It was fun -all the laughing and joking- except for the looks the husbands gave. It wasnt the delight that their wives were showing on their faces. No, instead what I saw was the effect of "evil". I am so glad God brought it to my attention early in the evening. I am quite sure my own stories would have joined in eventually if He hadnt. Instead, I made a purposed effort to think of stories where my husband did amazing, wonderful, thoughtful and loving things. The looks on his face told me that I had indeed chosen "good" and not "evil". And something interesting happened... suddenly there were more stories of "good" from the other couples as well!
Lest you think I am trying to say I have it all figured out, I will be the first to say I dont -I am still learning. If I start to think I do, God is quick to help remind me that I will never have it altogether. Sometimes its the little things that we are doing and dont even realize it. Like when I called my husband to convey a message and asked him why he didnt tell me about the subject matter and his response was, "I just dont like disappointing you." Ouch. I am still trying to figure out what I was doing that made him think he was a disappointment to me. I was ashamed and you can be sure that now every facial expression, word and tone of voice is deliberate. Even if I was disappointed in something he said or did, "disappointment" should never be a description of my view of him or his feeling from me.
Think about it as you are going about your week. Pay attention to the way you speak to your husband, the facial expressions you are using and the tone of voice.
How are you doing your husband "good and not evil"?
We have been walking through a hard season in our lives. Not long but hard. The specifics dont matter because in time, the challenge will be different but there will still be one. It is impossible to take two independant human beings and meld them together and not expect friction. But how we walk through these seasons and what we learn from them is what matters.
One of the things I have been learning (and trying to practice) is how to do "{my husband} good and not evil". What does that look like?
My first thought was, "Of course I dont do him evil!" but then the thought hit me that if I am not doing him good, arent I really then doing him evil instead? Granted, there is a middle-ground here where you can do nothing but the truth is, I want to do my husband good every chance I get.
So, I tried thinking of scenarios during our days that I get to choose good or evil. It didnt take me long. In fact, an easy example came to mind of when we were together Friday night with friends having pizza and watching the Olympic opening ceremony. There were comments (jokes) spattered throughout the evening about things their spouses did or do. Several times I could think of things that my own husband does that would have gone right along with the conversation and probably elicited a few laughs along the way. It was fun -all the laughing and joking- except for the looks the husbands gave. It wasnt the delight that their wives were showing on their faces. No, instead what I saw was the effect of "evil". I am so glad God brought it to my attention early in the evening. I am quite sure my own stories would have joined in eventually if He hadnt. Instead, I made a purposed effort to think of stories where my husband did amazing, wonderful, thoughtful and loving things. The looks on his face told me that I had indeed chosen "good" and not "evil". And something interesting happened... suddenly there were more stories of "good" from the other couples as well!
Lest you think I am trying to say I have it all figured out, I will be the first to say I dont -I am still learning. If I start to think I do, God is quick to help remind me that I will never have it altogether. Sometimes its the little things that we are doing and dont even realize it. Like when I called my husband to convey a message and asked him why he didnt tell me about the subject matter and his response was, "I just dont like disappointing you." Ouch. I am still trying to figure out what I was doing that made him think he was a disappointment to me. I was ashamed and you can be sure that now every facial expression, word and tone of voice is deliberate. Even if I was disappointed in something he said or did, "disappointment" should never be a description of my view of him or his feeling from me.
Think about it as you are going about your week. Pay attention to the way you speak to your husband, the facial expressions you are using and the tone of voice.
How are you doing your husband "good and not evil"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Man vs Woman?
We have been watching the Olympics today and I am yet again struck by the differences of men and women -and yet, the lines are so easily blurred. I couldnt find any sport where there is not a "mens" as well as a "womens". It used to be that sporting events were one area where the differences between men and women were apparent. Not any more.
The one that surprised me the most was the Womens Weight Lifting. I am told that there has been a womens category for a long time but I just heard of it yesterday. One of the favorites to win the US this year is a woman from our area. I cant explain why, but it made me sad watching an interview with her. There was very little "feminine" about her and if you didnt know she was a "champion weight lifter", you would think her weight and appearance were unhealthy. I kept thinking to myself, "why would a woman even want to do that??"
I'll confess that it has always bothered me the way women have been pushing into "mens" sports. Not that we cant play those sports -many women can play them as well or better than men. That isnt the point. Men were built for the strength required for such things as weight lifting and were created with a built-in desire to conquer (hockey anyone?). And what is so wrong with an all-mens event such as the Masters in golf. Ironic that we dont see men whining, complaining and crying "unfair" that they arent allowed to play on the womens teams.
While it may seem like a gross generalization, women were indeed created differently than men and with that comes a different set of created roles and abilities. It is woman that was created to give support to and help man in the garden. And it was woman that was then given the additional job of birthing, nurturing and raising children. From those basic roles, we grow into our own unique persons with unique giftings and callings.
I tried a concordance search for "woman" and "women" -thinking I could quickly find a listing of descriptions used in Scripture to post. Just the word "woman" gave me 35 pages of verses! Scanning through them, I was easily able to see one thing... "woman" can have either a negative connotation or a positive one. And they are usually in extremes. In Proverbs, a woman either builds her house or destroys it -there is no middle ground. In Revelation, there is the woman riding the beast and the woman in the "great city" -again complete opposites.
So from the beginning of time, there has been confusion as to what a woman was created to be. I believe some of that is explained to us very well in Genesis 3:16, where God tells Eve, "To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children ; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you."" Eve was the first one to cross over the line God created between our roles. Was Eve incapable of answering the Serpent when he offered her the fruit? No, obviously she was able to rationalize a decision and make it -no one chose it for her. Instead of honoring her husband and turning to him, she was deceived. (And make sure you read very carefully, Adam was standing right there with her so it isnt as if she had to run home to ask for his thoughts.)
It isnt that women are incapable of doing the things men were created to do. And in some instances, a woman is capable of doing things better than a man. That doesnt mean that we just jump into a role that is not ours.
I am also learning that the day-to-day roles that I have as a woman are probably different from the ones you have. And mine will change from season to season as I live life.
The one that surprised me the most was the Womens Weight Lifting. I am told that there has been a womens category for a long time but I just heard of it yesterday. One of the favorites to win the US this year is a woman from our area. I cant explain why, but it made me sad watching an interview with her. There was very little "feminine" about her and if you didnt know she was a "champion weight lifter", you would think her weight and appearance were unhealthy. I kept thinking to myself, "why would a woman even want to do that??"
I'll confess that it has always bothered me the way women have been pushing into "mens" sports. Not that we cant play those sports -many women can play them as well or better than men. That isnt the point. Men were built for the strength required for such things as weight lifting and were created with a built-in desire to conquer (hockey anyone?). And what is so wrong with an all-mens event such as the Masters in golf. Ironic that we dont see men whining, complaining and crying "unfair" that they arent allowed to play on the womens teams.
While it may seem like a gross generalization, women were indeed created differently than men and with that comes a different set of created roles and abilities. It is woman that was created to give support to and help man in the garden. And it was woman that was then given the additional job of birthing, nurturing and raising children. From those basic roles, we grow into our own unique persons with unique giftings and callings.
I tried a concordance search for "woman" and "women" -thinking I could quickly find a listing of descriptions used in Scripture to post. Just the word "woman" gave me 35 pages of verses! Scanning through them, I was easily able to see one thing... "woman" can have either a negative connotation or a positive one. And they are usually in extremes. In Proverbs, a woman either builds her house or destroys it -there is no middle ground. In Revelation, there is the woman riding the beast and the woman in the "great city" -again complete opposites.
So from the beginning of time, there has been confusion as to what a woman was created to be. I believe some of that is explained to us very well in Genesis 3:16, where God tells Eve, "To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children ; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you."" Eve was the first one to cross over the line God created between our roles. Was Eve incapable of answering the Serpent when he offered her the fruit? No, obviously she was able to rationalize a decision and make it -no one chose it for her. Instead of honoring her husband and turning to him, she was deceived. (And make sure you read very carefully, Adam was standing right there with her so it isnt as if she had to run home to ask for his thoughts.)
It isnt that women are incapable of doing the things men were created to do. And in some instances, a woman is capable of doing things better than a man. That doesnt mean that we just jump into a role that is not ours.
I am also learning that the day-to-day roles that I have as a woman are probably different from the ones you have. And mine will change from season to season as I live life.
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